What I Achieved Since I Decided Depression Wouldn’t Get Me

Dress : Showcase  — Fairy Lights : Typo   — Decorations :  Card Factory & PartyDelights

25th Birthday Sparkling Wall with Balloons and Fairy Lights

“Seeing myself as a Princess becoming a Queen is just a reflection

of my own self winning against the need to destroy myself.”

25th Birthday…

It’s 2019 and as we always say each year, « This year is my year ». So far, Depression has always stopped me from achieving things. But I just turned 25 a week ago, yet I still feel like it was yesterday that I was 17, dreaming about a lot of amazing things… And thinking I could actually never make it.

If you read me before, it is not new to you that I went through severe depression a few years ago (and I still have my ups and big downs). I decided I was done hiding it. Depression is a topic we need to keep talking about, and since I know a bit about it, my blog is a place where I can express it and share it to the world… Or at least to you.

For my 25th birthday, I was dreaming about a huge pink party. A party where I could dance without fear of judgement (hello anxiety), a party with a lot of pink balloons. And when I say a lot of balloons… I am definitely not lying. Trust me, I wanted more but… Let’s see how it’ll go next year. Last but not least, I wanted a party where I could feel like a Princess… Becoming a Queen (That’s the name of my blog, eh!).

Estelle (Je Serai Reine) holding her 25th Balloons for her Birthday + Fairy Lights
Princess : a Narcissist ? 

While getting ready for my party, choosing my tiara, my dress, etc, I realized a few people around me thought I was a narcissist trying to look like a Princess. But it has never been a matter of being a narcissist.

Seeing myself as a Princess becoming a Queen is just a reflection of my own self winning against my old inner demons. Winning against the need and urge to destroy myself. It’s a reflection of the little broken girl inside of me, growing into a strong lady she once dreamt of being, but never thought she actually could become. 

And if you suffer from any mental health issues, you can build your own Empire or Kingdom, too. 

25 is a number I was really scared of hitting for a number of reasons (That I am not comfortable sharing just yet. Maybe I will before the end of the year, who knows ?) But now that I am 25, I couldn’t be happier and more proud of who I am striving to become each day. So here are a few things I am  proud I achieved so far. Thinking one second that I could have given up before achieving them gives me goosebumps. 

Moving To London and Creating a Whole New World : 

I discussed it earlier here, but when I was 17 and highly depressed, one of the biggest thoughts I had in mind, was moving to London and start (almost) all over again. And I did. Since then, my life drastically changed. If I did let myself think I could not make it through, I would still be depressed in my little room back to Paris right now. 

“You can build your own Empire or Kingdom too.”

Pyjama, Blankets, Confettis, Balloons, Fairy Lights for Estelle's Birthday (Je Serai Reine)

Affording Travelling on my own : 

A bit related to the first one, this one means a lot to me : I have my job now, and I can travel whenever I feel like it (well, from time to time at least). I already travelled to Stockholm, to Edinburgh and Inverness, while having the satisfaction of paying it all on my own. Back to my 17 year old self, I was depressed about the thought of not being able to travel on my own. A few years later, there we are ! And I am planning some big ones this year…

Experiencing Massive Feelings : 

In the matter of a few years, I had the chance (yes) to experience lots of different feelings. It being sadness, joy, love, and much more. At 17 I hit a point where I couldn’t feel anything at all anymore, and since then I probably felt way too much, but I am grateful for it. I had the chance to love someone so much that I thought my heart would burst.

Sometimes we wonder if not feeling at all is better than feeling too much. But I as much as I am a HSP (High Sensitive Person), so much that it gets exhausting from time to time, I wouldn’t change who I am for anything. 

Standing Up For What I Believe in : 

I am a dreamer. But I also am an achiever. No matter how far I am from my goals and dreams, I tend to dream big and believe in them dreams. It might be a downside for some, but it is definitely a positive thing in my life. And I wish more people would believe in their dreams rather than regret not trying later.

I wanted to start a blog ? I did it. Then I wanted to work in Luxury ? Well, I got that job. For years, I wanted to stand up for Mental Health Awareness ? Today, I write about it. No matter where it leads us, I think we have to keep doing what we love, and what we believe in. 

Estelle (Je Serai Reine) posing for her 25th Birthday in front of a Fairy Lights Wall and Balloons.

“Since I moved to London, my life drastically changed.”

Beat Depression a Number of Times : 

One of my greatest achievements is realizing I can just survive this storm called depression. Even better, not only can I survive and learn to live with it, but I can also enjoy being Alive. Back to a few years ago, I couldn’t imagine being who I am today. Simple examples, I used to crawl under my OCDs, my nightmares, my bad flashbacks. I couldn’t handle some things that I can totally live with today. I just thought I would never make it through. And just the feeling of achieving all of this, made the journey worth it. No matter how painful it has been sometimes.  

Staying True To Who I Am :

Yes, I grew up, I evolved, I changed, but I believe after all these years and everything I’ve been through so far, I stayed true to myself. Yet I still have the same values, “rules” and life keep on adding lessons to my knowledge. To be fair, I think one can never totally change who they are, they just learn through life. When it comes to me, I never lied to myself to get somewhere. I prefer struggling while achieving my goals rather than not being Me. What’s more enjoyable than the feeling of being enough by being You ?  

And More… 

Appart from these lessons I learnt, I also achieved more concrete things like getting a job when I thought I couldn’t work because I was too depressed, getting over a heartbreak, surviving when someone left. Being independent when I thought I couldn’t, having my own flat, speaking/singing in front of a lot of people. Dancing among people when shame would hit me a few years ago, creating projects, and more… 

Pink, Translucide and Gold Balloons for Estelle's Birthday (Je Serai Reine).
So it Goes…

All of this might be a bit cliché to you, but trust me, it makes a whole difference in someone’s life. It did in mine ! If you ever suffer from anxiety, depression, or you just don’t think you can achieve whatever you wish you could : give yourself a few years, plan it, and remind yourself you can.

A few years from now, I wanted to give up, I even tried to give up. I am so glad it was not the last page for me, because no matter the pain I went through since then, I also went through a lot of happiness. My mind is a ticking bomb, filled with explosive ideas, sparkling projects, and glittering dreams. No matter how far I am from making them real, the journey is worth it all. I wouldn’t want to give up now that I am too involved in them. 

If you ever need any help, my messages are open for you, but most of all, remember you are worthy of help. And if you need professional help, there is no shame in it. I am no professional and I know how helpful it can be to reach for medical help. If I did it, you can do it too.

Estelle (Je Serai Reine) posing for her 25th Birthday in front of a Fairy Lights Wall, with Gold Confettis and Pink, White, Gold and Translucide Balloons. Estelle is wearing a Princess/Queen Tiara.

Go after your dreams, and build your Empire. 


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